Living to Live

Sorry it's been a while since the last post, I was 'stranded' on an island in paradise.

So there was a pretty large rain storm so we didn't end up going to church on Friday. Ortega is a big Yankees fan so we just watched the game at his house. One of the pitchers, Mariano Rivera, is from Panama so they televise a lot of the games. There are a couple other Panamanian players in the MLB so they cover a lot of them. As I said earlier, Ortega's wife is a indigenous Kuna also and decided to redo her leg 'bracelets.' All of the older Kuna women wear them on their legs and arms. I haven't done any research on them but it appears that they wear them from a young age and when you look at their legs, you can tell that it has some effect on their bone and muscle growth as a lot of them are bow-legged. Early in the morning, she took the two chairs outside and started the process. First she took off the existing ones she had on, then started putting the new ones on. A little later, one of her friends came over and helped her. The process takes almost the entire day and is apparently pretty hard on the back. The patterns are pretty intricate and colorful.

While we were out touring the City, Ortega bought his daughter an umbrella and his wife some fabric for her native clothes she made. I found it a little wierd as he showed me a couple times that the sandals he wore were torn and he didn't have money to get new ones. Later in the night, he was packing his stuff into a cloth sack as he was going back to work in San Carlos the next day. I had a small day backpack I didn't need anymore so I gave it to him so he could use to take to and from work. He was happy and thanked me...then gave it to his daughter. She already had two backpacks but he didn't even think to use it for himself. His daughter had nice clothing and new shoes and it seemed that even though he, more than once, told me things about him being poor, he did have opportunities to get himself things he needed but instead chose to give his daughter things that may not have been necessary. It's hard to explain in words but i've been struggling to understand this over the last couple days.

Was pretty tired from the long day in the City and knew I had to get up at 4am so went to sleep a little early. I forgot to mention that the night before, I was awaken by a pretty loud noise outside at around 4. Not sure what it was but as I tried to go back to sleep, I heard some noise at the trash can behind me. I did not want to look because I was pretty sure it was mice or rats coming to feast on the food in there. This was one of those times where I had to shake my American mentality and realize that this was just the nature of their lives and something that I had to deal with. I finally put in my earplugs and went back to sleep. When i got up to the next night around the same time I heard the noise again. I flashed my headlamp in that direction so I didn't get any surprises when I turned on the light. Ortega got up too and waited while I finished packing up my stuff. We headed out to the main road to wait for my ride. When they arrived, I thanked him and gave him $20. While he was thankful, I got the feeling that he considered it a payment and not a gift. I wonder if that money will go to buy something they need, like a table or shoes, or if he will use it to buy stuff that is not a necessity. Is it my business to care? maybe or maybe not but it's something that bothers me...and something that I may not ever be able to understand.

My ride in the 4x4 was about 2 hours through some windy and hillly roads. I felt a little car sick a couple times and was thankful to finally arrive at the boat port. I paid my $2 fee and waited for my boat to arrive with the other people that were arriving that day also. The boat ride was about an hour long and was pretty amazing. After slowly manuvering through a small canal, it opened up to an awesome ocean view with small islands dotting the horizon. I've never seen anything like the water, it was navy blue and seemed so clean and clear. There are 360+ islands in San Blas, mostly really small. We passed some that were no bigger than a normal yard in the US and even a couple that only had a couple palm trees and a hut or two. I took some great pics, will post them later, so you'll have to see them for yourself. We arrived at Isla Igua, and pulled right up to the beach. There was a girl reading a book on a chair partially submerged in the water and people chilling on hamocks. The island was maybe the size of a football field and only took about 15 minutes to walk around. Half of the island was for other 'resorts' and the other half was the inhabited by about 30 Kuna people. In terms of facilities, it made Gilligan's Island look like a 5 star resort. All the houses and faclities were made out of palm, there was no running water, and only a couple hours of electricity at night coming from a generator. The 'bathroom' consisted of a toilet with a large tub of water. After you tinkle, you fill up a smaller bucket and pour it in the toilet. The shower was next to it, and consited of a huge elevated tub of water with a pvc spicket. They did both have concrete floors.

They got my bags for me and situated my in my palm-covered hut. There were 3 beds in there with mosquito nets, a small table made out of palm wood and sand floors. I got my trunks on and headed for the beach, which was pretty much outside of the front door. Later in the day, we took a boat to another island and did some snorkeling, volleyball, and beach chilling. We headed back to our island and I took a great little hammock nap after a great shower. Some of the other people headed off to 'town' and came back with my dinner, lobster! There were two Iraelis and a Bolivian woman who were together and apparently they didn't like what was offered for dinner so they asked for some pork. They paid the money and the people from the 'resort' headed back off to town. At first, we thought it was a joke but they came back a little while later with the meat...ok it was actually a live pig!!! My canadian friend, Sophe, and I didn't care to watch them kill it so we headed to the other side of the island to watch the sunset. My dinner was amazing and we spent the rest of the night watching them try to get a fire going and cook the pig, which they strung up over the fire. This was their first time so it took quite a while but finally it was done. I couldn't help but have few bites *sorry Nikki.

The next day, I woke up, had breakfast and found a seat on the beach. I dig my chair into the sand in the water, put on my music and comensed what I like to call a little hard-core chillin. I spent most of the day there just soaking up the sun. We headed to town a little later, which was basically a shanty town where a lot of the Kona's lived. There was a basketball and soccer game going on at the basketball court but the main attraction of the day was a ceremony, similar to a quineneta, where there was some ceremonial purcessions *sp?, food, drink and lots of people. We didn't partake but was were able to see some of the goings on. It was pretty cool to see. I had my camera but didn't take any pics as I didn't want to be rude. As we walked through the town, people were very friendly and kids would come up and say hi. We headed back to the island after they picked up my crab for dinner. The israelis left and I realized that I had the whole place to myself for the night. There was another resort place next to us and one on the other side of the island but my place was just for me. Some of the locals decided to have a party on our island so a bunch of us sat around, listening to music and drinking beer.

Woke up early the next morning and took the boat back to reality. The ride back to the city after the boat, seemed longer than before but a couple hours later I got to Luna's Castle. It is a pretty large and popular hostel in the middle of a historic neighborhood. Didn't do much once I got here as I was pretty tired. I leave back to the US tomorrow so going to scope out the bus route for tomorrow and maybe do a little shopping. Enjoying my last hours in central america and trying not to think much about heading home. Until next time my friends...

I only have a few minutes so here I go...

Ok, maybe my spanish isnt that well (cant figure out how to use the apostrophy on here). I thought my friend Ortega was going to take me to San Blas with him but I later realized that he offered to take me to his house instead. His jerk of a boss didnt show up until late on Wednesday we we didnt end up leaving San Carlos until 800. Three hours or so later, we walked up to his house. Modest to say the least. there are two bed rooms, a kitchen and a living room. I purposly did not add bathroom because they do not really have one. There is a kind of outhouse outside, a sink and a hole for #1s. We were greeted by his wife, 9 year old daughter, and 30 something step son. Not sure why, but the son does not like me much and has not said anything to me since i have been there. We had a plate of rice and chicken and headed to bed. I had a hard time sleeping as it was pretty hot and there were mosquitos. There were a couple times when i asked myself what was I doing here, but this is how people live and it is important for me to see and live it. Ortega told me earlier that he pays 100 a month in rent. I took a couple of pics and will post them later. I had to take them when everyone was gone as I did not want to be rude and take them while they were there. After I looked at the pics, I realized how different it was from what I am used to.

After a couple hours of sleep, I had to wake up when everyone else did as I was sleeping on the couch in the living room. I felt pretty uncomfortable so I told him that I was going to head to Panama City that day so I could make my way to San Blas. He told me to stay another night and I would leave the next day at 8am. I needed to push myself so i agreed. His wife made me a couple of eggs and then Ortega and I headed off to the store. Everyone around here uses busses or taxis as no many people can afford cars. We jumped into a taxi and headed to town. We ran a couple of errands and headed to the super market. It was wierd walking around with him as I felt like I was among the people while at the same time, I got some pretty strange looks as this isnt a place they see many tourists. I am still having an identity crisis as my skin and hair is similar but they still call me a gringo.

Later on we walked his daughter to school, which was really cool. He and his wife are indigenous to san blas so she is always wearing their clothes, which are all hand made and colorful. I found an intenet spot on the way and stopped in to make some human contact. Back at the house, he made some calls and told me I had a ride to san blas on Saturday...which meant I will be staying another day. Not sure how I felt/feel about that but thought I could save some money. Later that night, actualy last night, we headed to the store to pick up some chicken. On the way he casually said to me that $30 would be cool for me staying at his place. I was taken a back by this but kind of expected it at the same time. I got my words together and told him that I completely wanted to contribute and pay for food or whatever but the premise of me coming with him was so I would not have to pay for a place in the city. Plus I told him, I was intending to leave and he asked me to stay. These people are definately poor and I was going to give them some money either way but I did not like how it went down. He agreed with what I was saying and did not get mad or anything. I paid for the chicken for dinner.

There is not much to do at his house, so today he took me down to Panama City and gave me a little tour. Details on that later but it is a cool city. Lots of people and sky scrappers. Say the line for the panama canal and some of the city sights. We are headed to church in a little while and i am hoping to get a haircut after I am done.

5 am bus to san blas tomorrow and 3 days and 2 nights on the beach. Looking forward to it! I have been in contact with the columbian family and hope to stay there Tuesday. Got to Go

Sorry for the gap in communication, been without internet for a while.

So I didn´t end up leaving David until a day later than expected, as the haul is pretty long and I missed the last bus. Although the next day in David had to be in the 90´s, it was good and eventful. I got to spend another night talking to My Dear Friend and Zenaida, the columbian senora I was translating for. Her and her husband left columbia 30 years ago and came to panama to start open a book store. Now they run the largest publishing company in Panama for lawyers and are very important people here, they also own a very large Teak wood farm. She was telling me stories about the history of a place in panama and how the people hold onto their culture to this day and it ended up being one of my future destinations here, San Blas. I told her I was leaving soon and wanted to go to San Blas before then but was trying to avoid Panama City. She offered to let me stay at her house and I accepted. I´m so excited as that was one thing I wanted to do on this journey, stay with a family and get a taste of the real Panamanian (/columbian) lifestyle.

In the morning I awoke to news that the hostel owner had an argument with the staff and fired them all at 1am! I kind of felt like offering to stay and help but realized that he needed to handle his own business. I caught a 1130 bus out of a blistering David and wasn´t really keen on the journey ahead. After about an hour drive, we picked up a couple leaving Boca Brava whom I recognized from the Lost and Found. Two hours later , we arrived in Santiago. I decided to tag along with the couple, who were from Greece, traveling for a couple weeks in Panama. We grabbed some food and caught another bus for an hour to Sona, then a cab for another hour to Santa Catalina. I did a little research but apparently not enough as the hotel I got dropped off was the wrong one. I walked for about a quarter mile, backpack and all, and found myself at the Surfers Paradise. I was planning on splurging $20 on a room with a/c but they didn´t have any so I settled for a dorm room for $8. I settled in and headed down, only to run into 6 people there that were also at Lost and Found. It was nice to see familiar faces again. The views were amazing and we just sat on the porch outside their rooms and watched the sunset, amazing! I was exhausted from 2 weeks of no solid sleep so I called it an early night and ended up sleeping for 13hours! I woke up to a good breakfast and some great fresh shakes they all made. John, a cool guy from California, offered to let me move into his room with a/c for $15, YEAH! Most of them surfed but the waves weren´t good so we chilled for a while and headed to the beach. The water was warm and we had a blast. There isn´t much to do after dark so we played some dominoes and watched some movies, the place had satellite tv.

There wasn´t internet so I headed into town to find a place John talked about. I was expecting a sign or something, but after walking for a while down a long road I didn´t see anything. On a whim, i walked up a couple flights of stairs to a restaurant and asked if this was the place, and it was. The guy, from Portugal, told me to wait a minute and came back with a computer bag. He pulled out a little netbook, plugged in his mobile card, and signed me in. He explained that the town was too small so the phone company would never install phone lines. I tried to order a sandwich but he said they were closed. He was cooking for his family and offered to make me a burger and I couldn´t pass that up. The computer was too small to write a post so I did a few things and demolished that burger and made my way back to the hostel. Later that night we went to a restaurant in the middle of now where, literally, and had some pizza. Probably one of the best days of eating for me here so far!

The next day, Monday, I decided to head out but wasn´t sure where. The hostel owner, who drove me to the bus, told me to check out San Carlos. I headed back to Sona, then to Santiago and found a bus headed to Panama City that would go through San Carlos. About an hour in, I figured out that they weren´t going to tell me where to get off so I had to pay attention and try to figure out the cities we were in as we passed them. San Carlos came and went and I wasn´t sure if maybe there was another stop or something!? I almost gave up and went all the way to Panama City, but took a risk and got off at one of the next stops. Decided to get some lunch and get on the internet to figure out what to do. An hour and two $2 beers later, I still didn´t know what to do so I caught a bus heading back to San Carlos. It was only $.30 and I got into a cab. Wasn´t sure where I was going but told him to take me to a surf camp, didn´t care which one (slightly remembered that from the hostel owner.) He drove me to Rio Mar Surf camp. There was one guy there who greeted me and told me they had a room for $18, which was a little more than I planned to spend but it had a/c and no roommate so far, so I obliged. Got situated and went back out. He spoke no english but my spanish kicked in and we chatted. He said I was the only one there and everyone just left. We watched baseball and talked sports. He also said that he was a native of the San Blas islands. He pulled out some pictures of his kids and family and showed me some of their native clothing. I told him I was heading that direction in the next few days and he offered to take me with him to stay with his family! YES!!! Normally you have to pay all these fees and cab rides and pay $25-50 a day so I am pretty excited. I´m staying another night there and we are headed out tomorrow afternoon.

I emailed the columbian lady so I hope to be able to stay with her at least a day or so when I get back from San Blas. Just over a week before I leave to Atlanta and I plan on taking advantage of every minute.

My time on the net is up but I do plan on explaining some more about my decision to head back to the states in a future post.

Thanks again for all the support in all the ways you give it!!

Thought I would post this again as it's hidden only on the first page:

I am looking forward to your comments on this blog and/or emails (dondenathan@gmail.com). Email me for my contact # if you want to text and call me. If you are inspired or just want to have some fun, please join me or if you just want to contribute, you can make donations and prolong this fun through Paypal (instruction below) paypal account (mnathanh@hotmail.com). This journey is not about money but if you feel moved, feel free to donate. Feel free to comment if you have any creative ways that you can contribute to this trip with your ideas, tips, etc.

Use your credit card or bank account, or paypal account on PayPal using the following instructions:
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I do want to meet and talk to those of you who have followed me that I don't know so don't be shy!!

Nathan

After my last posting and some very important phone calls to inform the people in my life that I had found what I was looking for, I headed into town to get some money. (Oh i'm back in David at the Bambu house). As I walked down the road, I felt different. My stride, my attitude, and the way I carried myself felt much more natural. No longer did I feel the need to exude confidence, or walk faster than others, or look people straight in the eye, I was felt comfortable in my own skin.

When I came back, I sat by the pool to think through the events of the day but I didn't have to think much. The calmness continuously reassured me that I was doing the right thing and that, while I may have not reached the end, I had completed this leg of my journey. The hostel owner came by and said that he had heard some of my conversations and asked if I was ok. I told him a bit about what I was going through and what I came here for and he said something to the effect of 'People come here to find themselves, but they really need to just remember themselves.' Very true as I know knew.

I felt compelled to sit by the lady who was in the bambu hut behind me, so I did. As I sat down, she overheard my conversation and asked me what I found. I explained to her what I told you all in my posting but it didn't register to her as much, as I would find out later. She told me that she was also here to find happiness and how she couldn't be around her family at home due to some issues. She quickly moved on to pepper me with questions about my previous work experience and she shared that she was a business owner with a lot going on. We chatted for a bit on various topics, mostly related to her work and I found myself just needing to listen.

She was a bit annoyed that she couldn't find the correct ingredients to make homestyle chicken tacos and headed off to the stores in town to search more. Later, back at the computer, a man came to check in and he was a ball of fire. He reminded me of a cartoon character that I had seen before as he had some dark rimmed sunglasses, a deep southern drawl and an all white outfit. He had been here before so they knew him and greeted him. When they spoke to him, he was having three different conversations at the same time and never seemed to stop talking. I immediately thought of this ad, watch it and you will understand. I thought that this guy might have some for me to learn as he seemed to have a wealth of knowledge.

I spent the rest of the day processing what I had been through and trying to make sure I was doing the right thing, the calmness again reassured. The lady I met earlier, I will call her A Dear Friend, showed back up after two attempts with the ingredients for her meal. Later a car pulled up and out came, Bejou, the LA guy I opened up to in the jungle. I didn't think i'd run into him again but I was happy to see him. He and I used to be very much the same. He is a good looking guy, who exudes confidence and has something deeper inside to offer that attracts people to him. When I was explaining to him that I would be completely changed after this trip, he didn't understand and told me that I would always be the same; wise words as I found out. His words were correct, as we all know, as I realized that I would just be who I really was. I chatted with him for a second and told him about my epiphany and that it was time for me to go home. He was a bit taken aback but I think he understood. The next moment, he jumped back into the SUV and went on to find his next conquest.

My thoughts now moved to my hunger, as I hadn't eaten much that day, and how much I was looking forward to another filete!!! My dear friend came to offer me some tacos when she was done but I politely declined as my mind was made up. She left the door open to double dip on dinner, which sounded great to me. I strolled back to the restaurant and found a seat, this time feeling more comfortable that I did a few weeks ago when I was a bit freaked out by the ants and the redicuous heat. The filete was as good as ever and meet all my expectations. A little while later, back at Bambu, My Dear Friend brought out an amazing spread of chicken, cilantro, onion, limes, sour cream, guacamole, salsa and tortillas. I can't even explain how amazing it was for her to find the ingredients and put together a meal that I sometime dream of here. I could tell that she was somebody who had a very nurturing heart and had so much to offer, but maybe didn't know exactly how to do it in her family life. I wasn't hungry but couldn't resist and was not disappointed.

Although I was good with my decision to start heading home, I wanted to wait until I woke up to make sure I was resolved. My night sleeping out back in the Jungle House was good until the roosters decided they didn't want to wait until sun-up to start their heckles but I managed to get a decent nights sleep regardless. When I woke up, I was reassured that I had made the right choice. I spent some time on the phone and, thanks to Mrs Montgomery at continental who waived the 150 change fee, I now had my date and destination! August 31 from Panama City to Atlanta, Georgia to spend some time with my cousin who has a bun in the oven. So excited!

I spent a lot of time the rest of the day, listening on as I swung on the hammock. I listened and talked more to My Dear Friend as she shard more stories about the crazy adventures she has had, she is a commercial tour operator among other things, and also to her and Fred, the man who knows it all, talking about astrology. Fred was a psychologist that had and anicdote or answer to everything. As he told My Friend about her astrology, he agreed with everything she said and explained away, whith certainty not logic, everything she disagreed with. I was amazed at his mind and awed that he seemed to be so unreceptive of the world, a smaller degree of how I was before. A wise lady told me the other day that those who consider themselves smart or intelligent, are rarely emotionally intelligent. I felt the urge to opine but knew it was just my time to listen and learn.

I invited My Dear Friend to join me for dinner and we headed over. At dinner she shared something very personal to me that completely explained the pain that I saw in her. She is an amazing lady who has done so many remarkable things in her life and was so successful in what she does, while at the same time, she carries a lot of pain due to what she has gone through in life while at the same time, has a remarkably free spirit that is able to shine through. I realized that I was heading down the same path before this trip.

I was doubting my spanish skills, as I haven't had much practice, until I spent a couple hours last night tranlating both ways between My Dear Friend, who knew zero spanish, and an amazing Columbian Senora who has shunned the english language to hold on to her culture and values. Even know, I don't know how I was able to relay the messages as they talked mainly about anthropology and the histories of indigineous cultures like the Incas and others.

I'm planning on heading out today to santa catalina, a beach town on the pacific and make the most out of my last weeks here in panama. After my last post, I thought that was the end but I realized that my journey continues but with a new direction. I have made reservations with my both of my brothers and will have many more moments and experiences along the way to share. I still haven't thought about the comforts of home, only the comforts of the people I love.

Thanks for everything and I will continue to need your support, comments, and emails as I keep pushing and finding more about this guy inside.

I write as a changed man.

I woke up today and realized that I found what I was looking for.

One thing that Fun Bobby showed me is that, even though I came and will leave a changed person, it is ok to be who you are. I came here to find myself and to change but the whole time, all I needed was to be secure with who I am.

Yesterday, as I was packing Kate came in to chat, something she hadn't done during our time together. About a week ago, in a minute of sheer honesty, I looked at her and thought to myself that if I could wake up to her everyday, I would be a happy man. I knew that I had to tell her and thought for days the right words and time but I didn't have to, the chance came to me. I told her how I felt about her, in words that were nothing as I planned. I explained that the passing compliments and promises of life long massages and chocolate were from my heart. I talked about how I've worked hard to make the girls in my life work for my affection and now I was willing to put it on the line to tell her my feelings. The weird thing is that I wasn't expecting, and really didn't give her the opportunity to respond because it didn't matter. I knew that this was not the time for us and that I was on a journey that I needed to accomplish and maybe we would have our chance another day. I opened up a little more about my journey and we had a couple moments of silence in between, not awkward, just pure moments. And then I felt like the chat was over. We hugged and I thanked her and I walked out. It was so relieving to just put myself out there and tell my feelings, face to face. I don't know if it was love but I know that the feelings that I felt and the words that I said, were from the heart. I may or may not ever talk to or see her again but I am so appreciative for the time we had together...and the words that went unspoken.

Before my posting yesterday, I made some phone calls to people in my life. I can't remember exactly what was said and didn't spend a lot of time reflecting but the words were real and my soul heard the message.

My going away dinner was low-key, as I wanted. When I woke up this morning, as I packed, i wrote a goodbye note to a dear friend and was resolved to leave without saying all the goodbyes. I woke up to Kate and told her that everyday waking up to her was a good day and she went off on a hike. I wanted to say good bye without saying good bye and the words came to me "I leave with peace, not in vain" I wrote "I leave with peace" at the top of a paper I found and the address to this blog and put it up on the wall of tick sheets. As I shared some huggs with people who touched me, I walked out as I came in, Just a Man and His backpack. As I walked, I felt a calmness that I had truely found my peace. I could press on and see the sights and meet the people, but that's not what I came here for. I walked down the hill and left behind the sadness, the person who i carried that wasn't me and the things that I didn't need. I stood on the road, in the middle of the jungle and looked around and thought 'there is much more for me but i found what I was looking for and I leave with peace'.

My journey now takes me to spend time with my brothers, nieces, nephews and maybe some of you who have carried me through this journey. Don't be sad, as this is a day that I will remember for the rest of my life and I will forever be the person who I really am.

nathan.m.hansing@gmail.com

Happy to say that I´m back on track. After my last post, I did some more thinking (with the heart) about what was going on and realized that the answer was in the Acorn. Although I guarantee that I will have more moments like I was having, I need to just believe in what i´m doing here and keep plugging on. I gave up everything that made me comfortable for a reason and I need to second guess myself when I feel like I need those comforts again. Although the time will come, other that the people in my life, I don´t miss or think of home life...and that is a great feeling.

Need to back track a second to tell you about a few things that happened on my hike of reflection after the moment on the treasure hunt and the bad dream. So Rob, Kate, Hester (english girls), and Oliver (the Golden Boy) walked for an hour and a half or so and ended up on a partially dried out river bed, next to a river. Kate and Oliver went for a dip and I found a spot on a rock a little ways away from Rob and Kate. I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do about going home and had the urge to run. I hesitated for a second and just got up and ran down the dried up river bed. As I ran, I started to cry tears of sadness but they soon dried up...like the bed I was running on. At first there was sand, then more corse sand, then rocks but my speed didn´t change as I felt confident that I wouldn´t slip or fall...which now that I think back on it was very symbolic about what I needed to do about my situation...go forward with confidence that I am doing the right thing here!!

I then went back and assured everyone that my run wasn´t because I needed to go to the bathroom lol! Kate was sitting in the sand and Rob had to tinke and I opened up to Kate about what was on my mind and a little of why I was here. I might have wrote this before but on this trip, I haven´t really went out of my way to talk to the people around me about my journey. Not because I don´t want them to know, but more so that they are now a part of it and they only thing that is important who I am in front of them at the minute. It was good to talk to her about it because she is someone who I have grown to like since I´ve been here and I want her to know more about me. More about her another time...

So lately i´ve found myself a little exhausted, partially due to long nights at the bar (working of course haha) and because it´s now my job to meet everyone and have the same ol conversation. I took a nap and was greeted by another large wave of people to meet, and I declined. I was sitting at the table and had a brief encounter with a girl from New York but I didn´t chat her up past that but I did feel good around her.

Rob was planning on leaving Sunday so I cooked up a suprise peach cobbler to acompany our going away dinner later that night. I was hanging on the hammock when she came back over, didn´t even have her name yet. She asked me the ol ´how long you travelling for´ question and I told her a little about my journey. She asked me how my family felt about it and I felt compelled to go a little deep and share the driving factor of my trip (what I told the guys back in the jungle) and was able to finish my sentence without a tear, although they were close. She told me that she was only on a ten-day trip because she had to work but loved travelling and would like to do a big trip but knew she probably wouldn´t until something big happened in her life. We chatted for a bit after that but her food was ready and the conversation ended. After that, I found myself on some of my favorite thinking spots, feeling her glances at me and feeling like we needed to talk further but I didn´t want to force it.

As the night went on, she was supposed to catch a bus to David then Panama City to leave back to New Jersey the next morning. It was obvious to everyone that she needed and wanted to stay but she was obligated to leave. I went in and tried to lay down for a bit, feeling a little uneasy if she left before I woke up. The nap didn´t come and I made my way back out to the main area. A little later she finally came up and started her goodbyes. She walked around and got some email addresses and came over to say bye. I asked to write in her book and gave her my blog address. As she was leaving, I felt compelled to walk with her, even though I had no intention of walking down and up that hill again. Our very small talk quickly turned to talking about my journey a little more and Nicole (her name as I found out) shared with me that, for various reasons, her family was not supportive of her travels and her mom threatened to disown her when she wanted to move out of the US. I also opened up a bit more about my journey and how the processes and conversations I had before I left. Also sharing how I was able to have a life changing conversation with my mom that not only gave me peace to be able to do this, but that it helped her as well. Before I knew it, we were at the bottom of the hill as it started to rain a bit. I felt like staying, so I did. She shared a quote with me that she say at a hostel somewhere: No one can ever take a way the dances you danced, the food you ate, or the travels you traveled. Because of her I amended it as I give to you to add ´...and the people you meet´She pulled out her video and as she started it and began to narrate, the bus came. We hugged and she got on the bus. She is someone that I knew for only a very short time but I will remember her forever as someone with a glowing spirit and someone who will one day be able to take the leap to findout who she really is...and i hope that I was able to contribute as she contributed so much to my journey.

The ladies and oliver cooked up a proper Irish stew with dumplings and we all ate in the bar as the food wasn´t ready until late. The meal was awesome and it felt good to be eating with my new temporary family. We decided to wait to eat the cake later but me and Fun Bobby had another plan. When the time felt right, we gathered everyone around and told them it was time so me and Bobby grabbed a handful and started a cake fight!! It didn´t last long and most don´t call it a cake fight, as me and Bobby were the only ones who threw the cake.

I´m getting kicked off as I´ve been on the computer too long but I still need to finish another time. Rob ended up staying another day as he was in no shape to leave but we said goodbye today and will meet again.

I have so much to write and tell but little time so i´ll try to hit the big points.

After my last internet session/posting/calls home, I was a little distraught about some news I got from home. I spent the day trying to figure it out and decide what, if any, actions I needed to take. Fortunately there was an acorn that helped me through it.

For the last week or so, I was awaken, suprised, or stirred by the sound of what sounded like rocks hitting our tin roof. I asked almost everyone at the hostel what it was an no one could give me the answer. It wasn´t easy to figure out what it was because it hit at random times and I couldn´t figure out what it was. I had a hunch and convinced myself, after a walk from the showers that it was probably acorns falling from the trees and I was satisfied with that.

Later in the day, I was chillin in one of the hammocks and heard that familiar sound, seconds later, I felt a tap on my back. I looked back and saw a small acorn...the one that fell on the roof!! I picked it up and stared at it for a couple minutes and realized that unlike I have thought and trained myself throughout my life, that it is not important to analyze and understand everything in life, sometimes you just need to sit back and let things be as they are. I decided that even though I feel obligated and compelled to intervene in the situation, I need to let things go as they are. I have that acorn with me now and will keep it to remind me of the lesson I learned.

I posted some pics, one of them of my Brother from another Mother, Rob. He´s an irish guy who decided to volunteer when the English girls did and works the bar with me. At first I was annoyed because he was following them around...and maybe taking my shine a little. He almost decided to leave the other day but changed his mind. I finally realized that he was acting like that because he´s been travelling for 5 months and was feeling a little lonely. He, like me, quit his job to travel and missed his home flight 2 months ago to keep it going. We´ve been hanging out working the bar and I realized that he is an awesome guy. We put DJ off my archos and he comes up with some awesome songs and knows my music better than I, even though it is not popular in Ireland so he has to seek out the good stuff. Other than that, he´s just a cool guy and I have a lot of respect for his travels and what he is doing. When you check out the picture I posted, you will understand...oh and in the one we are in together, I am wearing his shirt! Sorry Rob!

Wednesday at the bar, I toldCollin (a new volunteer from Portland) at the bar that I would do the treasure hunt with him the next day. I wasn´t feeling great when I woke up (that was the night Rob took his shirt off) but put my stuff on and headed out. On the way Bejou, a cool cat from LA, decided to come along for a bit as he hadn´t done anything in his 3 days at the hostel. Along the way we talked about his fling went wrong and i offered some advice. When we reached the first treasure hunt clue, at the Bearded Tree (or something), somehow the conversation led to me and I felt compelled to share some info about myself, specifically the major event that led me here. Not ready to put that out here yet for you, but it was something that I haven´t shared with anyone so far on this trip and it just came out. Before I finished my sentence, I started to cry and felt the emotion that had been waiting to come out, was released. Not a shining moment for a guy in front of some other guys who i have only known for a couple days but it happened and I wasn´t ashamed of it. It made me wonder if I am here to figure myself out and ´find myself´or if I am just running from my problems. I followed that up with a horrible dream last night.

We got up today and they pulled me on a hike and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what to do. Should I go home and deal with it, should I go on to columbia and see what is there for me, maybe nicarauga, am I here for the right reason?? Don´t worry, I am still in the moment and not giving up but I need to deal with this inside.

Leaving the hostel on Tuesday headed to Panama City, where I plan to decide what is next. I want to go to San Blas, which is on the way to Columbia so I´ll decide if I just want to spend a couple days there or move on to Columbia.

Don´t fret my friends, for this is what I am here for an regardless of what is next for me, I have accomplished my original mission each and every day and am still having the time of my life, creating memories that will change me forever. Peace Be With you!

Life at the lost and found is going good so far. I wasn't really expecting to have to be somewhere for this long and it's been quite of an adjustment. The normal life of a backpacker is staying somewhere for a couple days then moving on when it's time but now, i'll be here at least for a week so I have to get into a routine...without getting too much into a routine. Although i've suceeded so far, it's hard to stay in the moment when you know where you will wake up the next day and week, and you are around a lot of the same people. Being in the jungle is helping a lot as everything around you is alive and changes constantly. Also, there are new guests leaving and arriving everyday so the environment and atmosphere changes.

I find myself spending a lot of time on the perch overlooking the mountains a lot. It is awesome to see the different colors and clouds that roll over the mountains. Sometimes the mountains roll right into the lodge and you know that you are just surrounded by the clouds! Just like working at home, it is easy to get into a rut and not appreciate where you are and what you are doing. I would say 'working' and living in the jungle is something that I vow never to get tired of. I normally require some time to wake up in the morning but now when I open the door of the staff dorms, I am greeted instantly by the guests having breakfast or hanging out. It is great to grind my fresh, Don Cuni coffee and start my morning off with a great cup of Joe talking to the other staff, guests or just staring at the mountains.

Another challenge i'm tackling is not trying to be territorial or become a 'staff member.' When I usually start a job, you get indoctrinated and become a part of the 'family' and the guests, or customers, are now the 'other side.' I have succeeded so far in trying to make the guest feel like family and consider myself a guest. Kate, Hester, and Rob are the people who I started with and we hang out a lot but I make an effort to break away from them to spend alone time or make new friends with guests or other volunteers. It's kind of slow now but i'm sure we'll get some more guests today or tomorrow and a new journey will start!

Yesterday, I got to show the new guests Rocky for the first time. That entails, being the first one in the cage, finding him and grabbing his tail so others can come in and he doesn't escape. It was only my second time in with him but I felt a lot more comfortable this time.. plus i couldn't freak out while everyone else was in. I would equate his personality to that of a puppy. He will climb on your head and nibble on your nose. He's pretty cool and I look forward to becoming friends with him. Here is a wiki page and some pics of them

It's quite an ordeal to even get to the internet to write to you. I have to hike about 10 minutes down the hill and wait on the side of the road for the next collectivo, bus, to pick me up. I then take a 30 minute bus ride for $2 into Gualaca, the nearest town. The internet cafe we use is actually for the school kids so they are all around me now, playing games, and checking their facebook.

Yesterday was a good day for me as I made my first substantial meal. I spent about 2 or 3 hours cooking up a sort of casserole with beans, rice, chicken and fresh veggies. The English girls were eyeing my food so I offered to share with them, as long as they cooked for the next two nights! Just like me, I know I have been having eggs for breakfast the last couple days with some mystery meat I found in the market the other day. The eggs here are not refrigerated but I haven't had any problems yet so we'll see. I haven't had milk in over a month but am planning on picking up a carton and getting some cereal when i leave. I was going to get some the last time I was in town but balked at the cereal selection. They have some fruit loops and other good kinds at the lodge so i'm really looking forward to having cereal tomorrow!

I'm considering changing courses and heading up north through Nicarauga, Guatemala, Honduras, etc but i have some time to figure that out. My commitment at Lost and Found is open ended so I can stay as long as I like, who knows.

I tooks some pics for you to show you my new temporary life. I posted them and hope you like!

We're almost at 3,000 hits so thanks so much for the support and coming on this journey. Until the next time my friends!

Hola!
Last couple days have been pretty crazy!

Before I left Boca Brava, I had to re-enter the real world for a couple minutes and pay some bills. I realized that I wasn´t going to have much cash when I got into South America if I didn´t go soon or find a way to save some money, so was thinking about that a bit.

Decided to stock up on some more groceries and get some laundry done in David before heading to the Lost and Found Lodge so I headed over to my laundry and lunch spot. Was a little disconcerted when one of the ladies said they were spraying around the church down the street for Dengue! Apparently there was a bit of an outbreak up the carribean coast. The taste of that spray with my lunch wasn´t pleasant but better than getting Dengue.

Grabbed a bus to the lodge and was dropped off on the side of a road with a small fruit stand and a sign. The only way to get to the lodge, is a 15 minute hike up the mountain. My Baru hiking mentality kicked in but it was a little more challenging as I was now carrying my backpacks, about 35 lbs. Finally made it up and was greeted by Piera, a very chill North Carolinan, who offered me some water and showed me around. The lodge is litterally in the middle of the jungle but they have a pretty nice layout, with some gardens, their own little coffee plantation, a bar, hiking trails, etc. They sell food, snacks, veggies and fruit and everything is on the honor system, you have a sheet and tick things off as you take them. They didn´t have room for me so they set me up in the volunteer dorm (a sign?) and I found a seat with some swiss guys.

Woke up the next day to go to an organic coffee farm. We met Don Cuni, who was an amazing man. He has had his farm for over 30 years and started out using chemicals and pesticides to focus on making money. About 10years ago, a german company came in to try to teach him and the local farmers some other ways of farming and controlling the insects...as long as he bought their chemicals. He learned from then but could no longer affor their chemicals so he used some of their science and his own knowledge to develop un-heard of methods for true organic farming. Everyone in the town called him ´el Loco´as he was chosing to give up larger yeilds and profits to be organic. After a while he embraced the term and decided to start calling himself and his farm loco and equate loco with organic. I can´t even start to explain some of the things he is doing to maintain this organic lifestyle and farm, with no regard for how it will profit him later. There are also a lot of politics behind it as he only has squatter rights on his farm and Panama says he will never have the opportunity to truely own his land. He has no sons and hopes that his only grandson will want to maintain the farm or he will lose it.

We toured the farm and he showed us all of the various plants, fruits and crops he had and how he developed ways to work with nature to maintain everything. He even developed some of his own bushes and plants by putting them together to control insects and prevent erosion. He actually scored 51 out of 80 in an international coffee certification, which is remarkable with the methods he uses. The coffee we drink in the US, on the high end only scores 40 and under. One day he hopes to have one of the best coffees in the world. Sadly, he does not have enough yeilds to make a major profit so he relies on the tours and coffee sales by The Lost and Found lodge for his lively hood. He also has organic wine that he tought himself to make. We saw the entire coffee making operation from beginning to end and I bought a pack of his coffee for $3! One of the highlights was using his tree tools to extract sugar cane juice to make us lemonade. I´ve never had anything so good in my life!

I was awed by listening to his story and seeing the farm. It also made me think of how little I know about some of the hardships that farmers and other people have in my own town that I have no idea about.

I was feeling good about the Lodge and mentioned to Ken, one of the managers, that I was thinking of sticking around a couple weeks. Later, the owner pulled me a side and told me normally they require two weeks but they needed help in the bar if I could start right away. Wow, I now have a job!!! I stock, bartend and post tabs nightly. When I say bar, we have a mini fridge and 3 different kinds of alcohol. Everynight, after everyone has had time to play with the Kinkaju (honey bear) Rocky, I ring the bell to start happy hour and we close when people are done. Definately not something I planned on doing but it feels good to contribute and have a purpose, at least for a while. In return, i get to stay for free. It is a good feeling but wierd at the same time.

Hate to cut it short but i´m here with my 2 English girl and irish volunteer friends in town to get some groceries and get some internet time. Pics are up from Boca Brava and the coffee farm. Oh yeah, was sitting on the perch looking at the clouds over the mountains and saw a monkey!

Miss you guys!