A dilemma, redemption, back at home, UGA v Mizzou
08/29/2012 - 09/10/2012 82 °F
Sorry to say, this blog has been tainted. As I talked about after I didn't blog after I got back into the U.S., I felt like I couldn't write freely because I had no barrier between me and the people I was writing about and the ones who were reading it. As much as it has felt really good to be back writing, their voices, eyes, and thoughts about my blog are starting to make me think too much before I write. I now find myself thinking more about how I say the things i say, or the things I talk about or even trying to answer the questions through this blog but that is not what this is about. This is about me and this journey and the things that are happening to and around me.
The more I thought about how this was affecting me, I had to think about the things I have learned in the last year. The things I wanted to learn about myself. The things I wanted to learn about life and what I wanted from it. The way that I wanted to be a better person inside so I could be better to those around me. Sometimes you just need to listen to your own advise.
At the beginning, I told myself that I was going to jump off this cliff and see where I would land. And in doing that I promised myself not to over-think anything, always be true to myself and let my heart lead. That also meant doing it regardless of how people would take it and approve or disapprove, not because I don't care, but because this is the way I felt I needed to go.
The lesson I learned along the way was if I do not like the way people are treating, act differently. Before I believed that if I didn't like how I was being treated, I should change the way they were treating me mainly by making them feel a different way. Manipulate the situation so I could walk away feeling better by getting a reaction or desired result. But that leaves me the one who didn't learn anything.
So I decided that if I am feeling uncomfortable with how these comments and opinions are making me feel, the first thing to do make sure that I am being true to myself. That I can again understand exactly the choices I am making and make sure I'm still doing the right thing. I feel much better now.
It is not the amazing things you do that make you amazing. It is the amazing inside you that helps you do amazing things.
Between renters, I had a week opening to get back into my house last week. I rent it out on a short-term basis, fully furnished so when I come back, I only need my suitcase and a few things out of my storage and it's like I never left! I am getting used to it more now but it is cool when one day I'm on someone else's couch and the next I'm back in my own place. It is also a refreshing feeling that as much as I enjoy it there, it is just somewhere to sleep. The comforts are nice but it's more like a hotel room since I carry my comfort zone with me at all times now and I sleep well wherever I am.
The day I 'checked-in,' I got there early so I grabbed a coffee and went to the patio. The sun was just coming up and I started thinking about how the sun warmed me up in Panama, on top of the Baru Volcano and as i sipped my coffee, I remembered how I would wake up in the jungle and drink my Don Cune coffee every morning. I closed my eyes to go to my happy place which usually takes me to a beach chair in the Cayman Islands, next to a pool with the sound of the ocean in the background on a hot day, but this time was different. This time, closing my eyes took me to the exact spot I was, and it had nothing to do with the fact I was back at my place. It had to do with the fact that I have made it all the way here through this journey and I am better for it. I have found a mobile happiness that I take everywhere and it's a great feeling!
Moving right along....the Norah Jones concert at at the world famous Red Rocks Amphitheater was awesome! I have been to many concerts but this is at the top of my list, mainly because I took it in as much as possible. I made sure to took around, see Denver in the background, the purple and blue colored light-show, the crowd, the smells. I am a huge Norah fan so I payed extra-close attention to her show and her demeanor. While there is a lot of feeling to her music, I was always curios to see her energy live. In the end, she gave just enough so you understand what she is saying but you never really know what is really on her mind. Intriguing.
Over the weekend, I traveled to Columbia, Missouri to see the University of Georgia Bulldogs take on the Missouri Tigers with my cousin and a friend. We flew into Kansas City, MO and headed directly get some KC BBQ at Arthur Bryant's. I knew it was a legit when I walked in as it looked like nothing had changed since the 70's. The slightly rude service was a good sign that the food was delicious and I was not disappointed. I also discovered a new love, bbq + pickles. Wow. Who would have thought that those two things together would change my life. I took mine to go so I could finish it the next day and we ended up stopping again before we came home!
We drove two hours to Columbia, MO and checked in. It was cool to see all the Georgia fans all over the place and I couldn't walk far without someone saying 'Go Dawgs!' Our tickets were right next to the largest Georgia section so it was nice to be with the other 10k Georgia fans who made the trip! The game was really good and we ended up blowing them out in the end. The Mizzou fans were really nice, almost too nice but it was a good time.
Now back to reality, ok back to my dream and time to figure out my next step. I am actively looking for a job now so we'll see where that takes me but I can do that from anywhere so I am thinking of heading to Arizona for a couple weeks. The other day I had a harsh realization that this leg of my journey is going to be coming to an end soon. Although I'm hoping to find something that allows me to maintain my mobility, I may end up being stationary for a time, which is almost frightening to me That also means that I will have to get my own place or room or something. Although I have asked a lot of my family during this journey, I have really valued the time I have been able to spend with them. I have spent more time with my family this year that any other time in my life and not just immediate family. From the beginning of all of this, I knew that one day I would need to get back to the daily grind and that I will be able to pay back, in many forms, for what they have done for me but I will never get this time back and it is so precious. To be able to take a pause on life to get my life centered and to make sure I can move forward has been amazing and I plan on working on that forever.
Thanks and may amazing happen to you!